The Best Thing I Ever Did

The best things in life are worth the effort. Choosing to have my daughter as a solo mom using a sperm donor wasn’t easy, but she made my life such a better place.

I came to my senses groggily, the sleeping drugs I’d been given fighting for dominance against the doctor who had woken me. I couldn’t remember her name, sixty plus hours of labor had meant an endless parade of doctors, nurses, and midwives until they all blended together in a foggy haze.

My daughter had proven to be stubborn even at birth, refusing to exit the warm womb I had provided. My water had broken on Thursday morning, a week before my due date. As Saturday night gave way to the wee morning hours of Sunday, she had still refused to make an appearance. The doctor gently informed me that time had run out. Although my daughter showed no signs of distress, it had been too long since my water broke and an emergency c-section was imminent.

All my carefully laid birthing plans lay in ruins around me and my worst fear was being realized. So, I did the most logical thing I could think of to keep the terror at bay. I started putting together a playlist of songs for my c-section. If I was gonna do this, I was gonna do it with music.

A Facebook post imploring my friends for help gave me a range of Staying Alive(yes, like me, many of my friends have a twisted sense of humor), to Sweet Child of Mine to Push It. I added in my daughter’s song, “It’s a Better Day” by Rachel Platten, went over my new birthing plan with my doctor, took some deep breaths, and prepared to meet my daughter.

My daughter. Amilyn Grace. The most amazing, fantastic, perfect thing I had ever done in my 40 years of life. And I had done a lot of things — backpacking southeast Asia, surviving being hit by a bull on the side of a volcano, marriage and heartbreaking divorce, teaching in Taiwan for two years. Nothing compared to this experience of growing a tiny human inside my body.

I hadn’t been sure that I would get this chance. Despite my best efforts, I was still checking off the single box on all my forms. The years had crept by until I realized that if I wanted a child I was doing it on my own. I expanded my vocabulary — single mom by choice, sperm donor, IUI, egg count, donor profile.

I made the leap and I was one of the lucky ones. I got pregnant. Then I lost the baby. Utter devastation. Starting again. Another pregnancy. My rainbow baby. Making it to eight weeks this time. The doctor visit. Is there a heartbeat? Just one, right? Huge sigh of relief. Genetic tests coming back perfect. The excitement finally kicking in. The gender reveal…please let it be a girl…and the gorgeous slice of bright pink cake.

All leading here. To this moment, with my birth plan going off the rails, but I don’t care anymore because all I want is to see my baby girl; to place her on my chest, and touch her tiny head.

At 4:37 am my daughter is pulled from my body and placed on my chest. Her tiny mouth finds my nipple and my world falls into place. Every single thing that led me here suddenly makes sense.

I never thought I would do this on my own. I was a huge fan of the prince charming white picket fence story, but there is nothing I would change. Amilyn is mine.

Together we travel the world, we’ve been to Bali, Malaysia, Costa Rica, we got stuck in Thailand for two months during the start of the pandemic. She is my adventure buddy. My daily joy. She makes my life complete.

The choice to have her on my own was not an easy one, but it was the best one. Last night we scoured Pinterest for the perfect gold mermaid cake for her fourth birthday and I marveled at what I had created. There has not been a day that I have regretted my decision to have her — despite occasionally offering her up for sale on Facebook.

My daughter’s song plays true,

“Cause it feels like I’ve opened my eyes again

And the colors are golden and bright again

There’s a song in my heart, I feel like I belong

It’s a better place since you came along.”

Like what you read? I am in the process of creating a publication with stories of Solo (Single) mom’s by choice. Head over here to sign up!

Meanwhile, I am brand spanking new, so that is all I got! Thanks for reading.

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