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Mr. Invisible

Google most popular superpowers and you’d be hard-pressed to find a top 10 list that doesn’t have invisibility on it. Yet, as someone with the power to turn invisible, I can honestly say it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. More an inability than ability, really.

Problem is, it’s not something I can switch on and off like in the movies. It’s 100% out of my control. Fortunately, some people can still see me. Unfortunately, none of them are from the opposite sex.

I was about 15 when I first noticed my most distinguishable feature was the fact that I was downright indistinguishable from thin air to girls. It all kicked off when the most popular girl in my class, Zita, was having a birthday party and handing out invitations in class. As she made her way around the room she happened to skip my desk. I figured she’d made a mistake, so I approached her in the playground at lunch.

“Hey, Zita what time is your party thingy on Saturday? I think you forgot to give me an invite or something.”

She started looking around and frowning. “Did you guys hear that?” she said, smiling at her friends. “Did somebody say something?”

I was like, “Ha! That’s funny. Yeah, so what time on Saturday anyway?”

“There it is again. That voice,” she giggled.

“So weird,” replied Renae, a friend of hers. “It’s like someone’s trying to talk to you.”

“Weird,” laughed Karen.

At that point, they all laughed. And for a moment I did too, until they ran off. This pretty much continued for the entirety of my high school life. If there was a girl in sight, I wasn’t in hers.

I remember telling my mum about it (the only person of the opposite sex who could see me) and totally expecting her to break out into a panic and want to take me straight to the hospital to have me checked out. Instead, she insisted I was being ridiculous. Looking back, I now realise how scared she must’ve been. She knew what was happening, but no mother wants to lose her one and only son to government testing only for him to go on to become some sort of undercover FBI army experiment. She wouldn’t do that to me.

Once I got into my 20s and 30s, my invisibility only got worse. I started to vanish at the very sound of a women’s voice. Fortunately, I had a friend I could talk to about it.

Dave and I had been friends since we were 10. Despite moving to opposite sides of the country, we’d always kept in touch. This was largely because we shared something pretty special. You see, Dave also had a superpower, only Dave was the opposite of invisible to women. He was what you would call a chick magnet.

For as long as I can remember, no girl has ever been able to resist Dave’s pull. No matter who they were — from preppy girls to cheerleaders, and even our 11th grade science teacher. She was so attracted to Dave, she’d uncontrollably throw herself at him in the disabled toilets behind the lab every afternoon. When the principal discovered what was going on, she ended up losing her job and family, and spent many years in jail. Then the principal started an affair with Dave losing her job, family and spending many years in jail. That’s how strong Dave’s pull was.

Just like mine, Dave’s superpower grew even more powerful as we matured. Women were so drawn to him that it made it next to impossible to hold down a monogamous relationship. So I was shocked when he told me he was tying the knot.

I caught up with Dave at our usual –– a pub he’d turned into a demonstration ground for his magnetism over the years. And as usual, Dave wore his cap low over his eyes to prevent unwanted women from coming at him.

“I can’t believe you’re getting married,” I gasped over a beer. “A guy with your ability! Crazy.”

Dave’s eyes darted around the room. “Keep your voice down, would ya?”

Being at a bar with loads of women around, it appeared as though Dave didn’t want to give away that he was getting hitched, in case he wanted to use his powers later on that night or something. But then again, after seeing Dave’s ability in action over the years, I couldn’t imagine women being able to contain themselves, even if he held his marriage ceremony right in front of them.

Dave shuffled his bar stool closer to mine. “Listen,” he whispered. “Things have changed. I’ve met someone really special. Her name is Melissa.”

“Bullshit! You’re full of it, Dave,” I said. “She’s trapped you, hasn’t she? Let me guess, she’s pregnant. No, wait, worse! She’s threatening to expose your powers and inform the government. You’ll be treated like a mutant and they’ll run all kinds of tests on you. That why my mum never turned me in.”

Dave started to tear up. I assumed one of two, or perhaps both things were true. That’s when he confessed the unthinkable.

“No, it’s…” he stammered. “My powers, they’re, well they’re starting to fade, my friend.”

“No way! That’s crazy talk. How could that happen?” I said, choking on my beer.

“It’s true,” he whispered. “The whole chick magnet thing hasn’t been working for awhile now. I just, well, I didn’t want to tell anyone.” Dave put his head in his hands.

“When did you start noticing it?”

“Well,” he said, blowing his nose. “Remember when we took that boys trip to Hawaii a couple of years back and you all wanted to go to the beach and pick up chicks? But I refused to go and made some excuse to stay in my room?”

“Yeah! That was crazy. Missed opportunity.”

“Yeah well, the truth is, I went to the beach the day before. I took my shirt off and and not one woman gave me a second look,” he confessed. “I couldn’t risk going back there and embarrassing myself in front of the guys.”

“Maybe the sand or surf interfered with the magnetic pull or something,” I said. “I’m no scientist, but that seems legit, right?”

“It has nothing to do with the sand, pal,” he said as his eyes began to water again. “Women just aren’t attracted to me anymore.”

“Holy shit! What do you think caused your powers to go away then?”

“Well, it could have something to do with all the weight I’ve put on,” he said grabbing a chunk of his gut with both hands. “And my finances are in a pretty bad shape since losing my job and moving back in with my parents. Plus, I …”

Dave slowly removed his hat and I braced myself for all the women in the bar to come running towards him involuntarily, but much to my surprise, removing his hat had no effect. If anything, it was the opposite. One women even left the room without even finishing her drink.

Dave squinted. “And I’ve lost a lot of hair.”

“That’s so weird,” I said, scratching my head.

“What’s that?” He asked.

“Those symptoms: putting on weight, going broke, moving back in with your parents, and losing your hair. All of those things have happened to me too! And if anything, they’ve only made my powers stronger. I’ve never felt more invisible to the opposite sex. It’s so weird.”

Dave just shook his head. He was just as mystified as me, I guess. He explained that his wedding would be in the spring and asked me to be his best man.

It must’ve been pretty strange for all the ladies at the wedding reception when I got up to give my best man’s speech. What, with a random voice coming out of seemingly nowhere and all; but when my stories about growing up with Dave and his superpowers failed to even get the slightest giggle out of the guys in the room, I started to wonder if I was starting to disappear completely.

Afterwards, I sat alone at the bar for what felt like hours failing to get the bartenders attention. I’d gotten used to being invisible to women, but being invisible to dudes as well was the tipping point. I considered turning myself into the government for testing right there and then. Maybe they could find a use for my power. I could join the FBI as a secret agent, become a spy or whatever.

Down in the dumps and without drinks service, I reached behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of expensive looking scotch and just took off. Wasn’t like anyone was gonna see me anyway. Then something incredible happened. A woman’s voice called out to me.

“Hey dickhead, where the fuck do you think you’re going with that bottle?” She yelled. “I see you!”

“Are you talking to me?” I asked in shock.

“Yeah, I’m talking to you asshole. Bring that bottle back or I’m calling security.”

“This is amazing! You can see me? She can see me. Woo!” I blurted out.

“Yeah fuckhead. And if you don’t come back with that bottle you’re going to see my foot up your ass!”

It was like a miracle or something. For the first time in my adult life, a woman could not only see me but was talking to me. And all I needed to do was steal something.

“Are you fucking crying, douchebag?” She asked.

The security escorted me from the building and threw me into a pile of garbage in the lane way. There I lie, tears in my eyes. Tears of joy. Covered in trash and leftovers from dinner (broiled fish and oyster shells) another woman noticed me while waiting with her friend for an Uber.

“Oh my God, is that a dude lying in the rubbish?”

“Yes! Yes!” I shouted. “My name’s Chris. Would you like to go out some time for a drink?”

“Umm, how about no you loser.”

Two women in one night, I thought. Look at me, one minute I’m invisible to women, all of a sudden I’m a ladies man.

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